Clenched Jaw

Hold it in, see what you can do.

Hurts more than the pain that was inflicted on you.

Do more,
See the clenched jaw syndrome as a pour popped that resonates and descends to what is growth Core.

Many times it hurts and we don't like to indulge with the details or the language that makes us ache and sore.

I know he see me.  I know I see him.  And ten years later why are we in this bend?  Because we are solid because we are cool...because we be making to the lift and the full.

I love you Alex.

I love you Alex.

I love you.

I love.

Alex.

Thank you for your Zen lend.

February 28, Wear Our Children's Colors

I read on the most amazing website (Glow In The Woods) of another family who share February 28 as the day of their child's birth/death.  I was so moved by the entry and excited.

I would love to see the day of our children be of color--the color we feel represents our children.

For us, Nora was fire colors--reds and oranges.  She is fire and light, burning us to a new level of understanding.  She is our fire rose.  Apricot spice.

Find your day of birth/death and honor it.
This is similar to Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday--a day to be grieved and honor celebrated all in the same moment.  What was and what is to be.

These are the flags of our children.

Perculation Points

Wonder walk
ponder
blunder why the world so pound-by-pound ground to the pulp
                                          all
                                          to make us guess
                                          and guess.

Why the steam needs to rise and escape our widow's mess.

I cannot sit nor can I silence the
                                 loud voice of spirit that never leaves my side.

It is what It is.
I am blunt
I am proud
I love for the whole of non-look-ground.
So I may find the oceans we family have crossed to adventure the ultimate pride.

I never know if my voice is mute or harsh.
How it is taken is anyones' to hide or touch chest.

I am native.
I know it so.

She my grandmaman of French Canadian blood.
He be of middle continent native grown.
And together I feel them in every story I unfold.

My third and forth are from pioneer, Anglo descent.
They are honorable, silent and the same soil mend.

I cannot deny them any more then they silence their solstice message sent.

I hear them.
I learn them.
I raise children to instinct them.

May this be the newness of lesson world:
                         meshing how it remains orbit with so many stories told.

Mother Griever

Mother Griever I feel your cry.
Sit her beside the wave of try--try to be normal, try to be okay with the thick and the pain of loosing our greatest gain.

Children die.  Our children died.  No matter the age, the piece remains frayed.  We do learn but the fog is so thick and demanding that we feel still and lame in our attempts to be anything but hardened.

We love fiercely, even when it looks bleak.
We do not falter the harshness of being a mother--real, whole, scared and sold on our children.

Mother Griever you are...

Support: When Are You Ready For Another Child?

Dear Friends,

I understand the fear all too well.  The fear of:

Can I do this again?  Can I put myself, partner and family through another possible pain, another death?  What are the odds it will happen again?  Will it happen again?  How do I support myself when I am pregnant again to not fall victim to my own fears?  How do I not feel guilty for yearning for another child? Am I honoring my deceased child by wanting another baby?  Are my partner and I on the same page for conceiving again?  Will my family support me in wanting to conceive again?  Am I ready?  How do I talk about being ready?

You and your family experienced trauma.  Death trauma of a child.  The wound is very deep.  The wound might never heal, not fully.  This is your reality.

This is another layer of healing when one begins to process these questions.

That is all we can do--find time to answer the instinctual questions we hold about when the next child (grown inside or adopted) is ready to emerge.  You know when it feels right.  You know when it feels right and your partner feels the pull too.  When you both are holding hands, ready to dive off the high dive again, you will know.  Just like a stellar pot of coffee, percolation is required.  Let things percolate and brew to the taste meant for family and you.

The bitter taste of guilt will undoubtedly play a part in your process.  That is normal.  You will feel angst over if or not you are replacing your deceased child with another.  Please hold my hand and know, you are never replacing.  What is felt, seen, heard, learned from outside is irrelevant as you are loving more and more.  More and more.  More and more.  Replacement is not in your vocabulary.

A delicate part is this: Your partner is protecting you.  Please remember this when you feel anger and hurt that he/she is not expressing a sense of readiness.  Listen to heart and instincts of knowing.  Breath deep, relax and allow your story to be told.  You collectively will feel the pull to what is the direction you want to go.

I am here.

Sister Grief To Birth Of More And More

Support: The Birthdays

Dear Friends,

The "birthday" of your deceased child can be so painful.  For us, Nora was born and died the same day.  Our memories are wrapped with pain.  How do we hold a day like this, where the pain is a massive piece player?

Warmth...

In the hospital after her birth I was so cold from keening, grieving, hormones releasing.  February being her birth month and all I want is for warmth--warm me to my bones colors and weather.  This year I wanted to garden for Nora's day but the colors and weather are muted and grey.

Today, I just want warm.  So I made a fire.

Burning beside something burning can be so cleansing.  So I suppose that is what we grieving parents must embrace; looking to the elements (fire, air, water, earth) and feel out what ways we want to honor ourselves with the element's dependable help.  After all, are we not all looking for dependability during this time of no certainty?

With Deep Love and Constant Support,

Grief Sister

Today You Would Be Four

Not sure how I feel.  Raw and delicate might be the best way to describe.  Reminds me of when I would get sick as a young child and the heaviness of homesickness would blanket me.  The world felt much too big.

I miss her.  She feels spirit still to me today and that makes me ache for her all the more.

I feel still, a bit numb and longing.

Each February 28 I experience something new when re-living the birth and death of Nora.  Hurts every time.  But it also is a safe haven of memory for me.  That was the blessed day I was able to hold her in my arms, kiss her tender lips and be with her those hours.

As I write and cry I recall words a very wise woman shared with me years ago about the releasing of tears;

"Let them settle on your skin, dry where they ran for tears are our medicine.  They soothe the sores of pain.  They are our body medicine."

I will hold these words today as my Alex and I roll with whatever emotions surface.  Tears are my medicine.