I hold so many fears.
I fear holding her after birth and what that will feel like. How can I let her go?
I fear this moment--this frozen time of "in it," just feeling and seeking out release but there is none to be had.
I feel dry yet the tears keep coming.
I feel broken, sore, in pieces all around my core.
The shock drug has worn its ugly welcome and it is gradually existing; grief.
Full, sticky grief has moved in.
I am loosing my first baby and all I am left with is grey--Grey, sticky, all surrounding grief.
I never knew a pain that never leaves.
I want so much to be present with baby but I find myself steps ahead because of fear and not holding her long enough.
I don't want to feel that guilt after she has left me but how do I stay focused on my connection with her?
How
HOw
HOW
So many question marks it only reminds me of her spine; curved, tender, exposed.
How?
No comments:
Post a Comment