April 20, 2007 "What Normal?"

I feel melancholy.  I miss the old way of feeling--normal.

The normal where I can write a date on the calendar months ahead and follow through with going somewhere. Maybe sitting with a smoke and drink with friends while talking about nothing but doing something.  This new normal has an after taste I cannot seem to ignore nor lessen.

I understand my life has shifted to a point that is unrecognizable right now.  I just wish for familiarity.

Nothing is familiar in this grief.  I write because it keeps somewhat grounded.  I share these thoughts because it hurts to much to bottle them.  I write to share because I believe somewhere I am connecting with someone.

There are times, like this moment, when my heart feel empty.  So empty my heart, soul ache.  I have to push it out in a primal groan.  That is how I feel again.  Feel released and centered again.  I am just so damned tired of cycle.

Wild----

I want to scream a little louder, bend a wee bow.
Be that woman that has been secret in reveal.  She is not clear headed, she is just plain wild.

I hold her so close, she has been biting to be let free and set obligation dependents and fearful mom/pop on their demand plane.
Destination, go slow down to our Jill Scott groove.

Woman wild, Inner mule.
The hee ha loud knee jerk that pummels to the soul of no win.  But win.

I punch and pray that someday there will be less stubborn and a lot more love for....
For you say I.  Telling us to make time to steer clear of quakes that produce a fuse short and for-nada-truth.

Mule-work-mule work for a poke and not a prick.
Mule Mama you be that un-pretty pretty back-bone of farmer hope and dream.

You carry more than 1000 men seen.

Woman be wild.
Me be wild so I can find restful mule-day-off mild.