I am here.
I feel your pain and am so very near--to the heart, to the core, to the reality that is so sweet and faces the shore.
I hear the pain that resonates in your pours so pure and clear. I am here.
Do not fear, shed it. For the truth is coming straight away.
This journey is rock rumble and it will eat you fast but the thing that will last is the path of focus, narrow, sharp and forgiving past.
I know you feel it sister, brother. I know you do.
Be the movement, the pass, the breath. Be the constant togetherness. Feel the pull of much more than you see.
When it awakes it will consume the essence of free.
Love your child. Love her/him so full it consumes. That child will tell you a tale more complete than the presence you live. Heart break and let it go--is all we can know. All we can know is to live a human life planting seeds of fruitful grow.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Ode To The Family
Ode to The Family
We love The Family.
We do.
We do.
They embrace levels within us so true and true.
Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunties and Uncles too, some are blood.
Our brood is grand.
Some are new, and kind as the land.
Elders and babies, we are an ageless look—for the guidance and connection is the master book.
And this is why we love our family so.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sisters Grief
I held space for a gentle friend.
Her daughter a kindred spirit to my Nora's end.
We've cried.
We've sang the story of our families.
Together with our men we have grown stronger with each bend.
Twisting, aching, laughing at the bizarre life we now lead as
Mama of life
Mama of death.
Harsh
Yes but this is our then, now, on.
We are sisters grief and I thank her forever more.
Her daughter a kindred spirit to my Nora's end.
We've cried.
We've sang the story of our families.
Together with our men we have grown stronger with each bend.
Twisting, aching, laughing at the bizarre life we now lead as
Mama of life
Mama of death.
Harsh
Yes but this is our then, now, on.
We are sisters grief and I thank her forever more.
March 26, 2007: The Quiet
I am lonely. Large groups continue to exhaust me but one-on-one time with friends and family is perfect and lifts me.
The cards, emails and phone calls have dwindled considerably. I don't doubt people think of us and remember but the contact is small. I understand it is because friends and family have the everyday lives to sort and bustle through. I miss the contact and wish I could be in a place of relax with this, a place of love. But it is difficult.
Sadly the quiet only fuels the fire of fear in me that the world and I will forget her.
I acknowledge this is part of my work yet it is another rough patch, living with the quiet.
The cards, emails and phone calls have dwindled considerably. I don't doubt people think of us and remember but the contact is small. I understand it is because friends and family have the everyday lives to sort and bustle through. I miss the contact and wish I could be in a place of relax with this, a place of love. But it is difficult.
Sadly the quiet only fuels the fire of fear in me that the world and I will forget her.
I acknowledge this is part of my work yet it is another rough patch, living with the quiet.
March 23, 2007: 3 Weeks Since & Living Limbo
Three weeks since she was born, since I released her. The pain pressure this week has been large. I have cried a lot. The trauma wounds are deep and I am feeling them all too well. The weather outside is not helping. I find that waking up to heavy clouds is simply a reminding reflection of how I feel--lost in this grey abyss.
I don't want to feel this way. I want to climb out, yet how do I do that?
What I am finding is that even though I yearn to move forward and begin planning again, acting "normal" and productive only creates more anxiety than I can handle. I know my present movements need to be small, delicate and very present based.
I must be patient with my own process. I must be accepting of going slow, of living in limbo. My limbo is this grief work. I must acknowledge that the only certainties in this uncertain reality are my choices to finding understanding.
I see now that my self care means being patient, accepting, loving and slow. Finding meditation in the little tasks (sweeping, weeding, writing) is what grounds me to the core of my work; building myself back up. I am small now but I will grow. I will be whole again. The void, the wound will heal and my scar will be my reminder of where I've been and how I've grown.
Sitting here in Limbo
Waiting for the tide turn.
Yeah, now, sitting here in Limbo,
So many things I've got to learn.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
Sitting here in Limbo
Waiting for the dice to roll.
Yeah, now, sitting here in Limbo,
Still got some time to search my soul.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
I don't know where life will take me,
But I know where I have been.
I don't know what life will show me,
But I know what I have seen.
Tried my hand at love and friendship,
That is past and gone.
And now it's time to move along.
Sitting here in Limbo
Like a bird ain't got a song.
Yeah, I'm sitting here in Limbo
And I know it won't be long
'Til I make my getaway, now.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
I don't know where life will take me,
But I know where I have been.
I don't know what life will show me,
But I know what I have seen.
Tried my hand at love and friendship,
That is past and gone.
And now it's time to move along.
Gonna lead me on now.
Meanwhile, they're putting up resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
~Jimmy Cliff "Sitting In Limbo"
I don't want to feel this way. I want to climb out, yet how do I do that?
What I am finding is that even though I yearn to move forward and begin planning again, acting "normal" and productive only creates more anxiety than I can handle. I know my present movements need to be small, delicate and very present based.
I must be patient with my own process. I must be accepting of going slow, of living in limbo. My limbo is this grief work. I must acknowledge that the only certainties in this uncertain reality are my choices to finding understanding.
I see now that my self care means being patient, accepting, loving and slow. Finding meditation in the little tasks (sweeping, weeding, writing) is what grounds me to the core of my work; building myself back up. I am small now but I will grow. I will be whole again. The void, the wound will heal and my scar will be my reminder of where I've been and how I've grown.
Sitting here in Limbo
Waiting for the tide turn.
Yeah, now, sitting here in Limbo,
So many things I've got to learn.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
Sitting here in Limbo
Waiting for the dice to roll.
Yeah, now, sitting here in Limbo,
Still got some time to search my soul.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
I don't know where life will take me,
But I know where I have been.
I don't know what life will show me,
But I know what I have seen.
Tried my hand at love and friendship,
That is past and gone.
And now it's time to move along.
Sitting here in Limbo
Like a bird ain't got a song.
Yeah, I'm sitting here in Limbo
And I know it won't be long
'Til I make my getaway, now.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
I don't know where life will take me,
But I know where I have been.
I don't know what life will show me,
But I know what I have seen.
Tried my hand at love and friendship,
That is past and gone.
And now it's time to move along.
Gonna lead me on now.
Meanwhile, they're putting up resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
~Jimmy Cliff "Sitting In Limbo"
Friday, December 3, 2010
March 21, 2007: She Spoke To Me In A Dream
Dream:
It was her celebration, her memorial. I held Nora's body.
I saw my cousins and invited them to see her. Somehow Nora woke and began moving just as she did when she was in-utero. I started talking to her. We all cried deeply. She opened her eyes and they were ocean blue. She kept looking at me with wonder, wisdom. She knew why she was there. I, on the other hand, was over come with motherly hunger. Over and over I tried to wrap her feet in blankets, wanting to bundle her in order to warm her body but she would wriggle away and without mouthing words, she began speaking to me through her eyes. She told me she did not need to be bundled.
I carried her to Alex. Alex and I searched and held her in awe. We gathered our old hopes again, our old dreams of raising a live daughter for this world. Once our focus was on the hopes, the dreams and not on her in our arms; she left us again.
Her body was limp and just a body. Her soul, her spirit had left. As I held her body to my chest, I cried great pain again. But the eyes of Nora were real and intimately knowing. I found comfort in that memory.
It was her celebration, her memorial. I held Nora's body.
I saw my cousins and invited them to see her. Somehow Nora woke and began moving just as she did when she was in-utero. I started talking to her. We all cried deeply. She opened her eyes and they were ocean blue. She kept looking at me with wonder, wisdom. She knew why she was there. I, on the other hand, was over come with motherly hunger. Over and over I tried to wrap her feet in blankets, wanting to bundle her in order to warm her body but she would wriggle away and without mouthing words, she began speaking to me through her eyes. She told me she did not need to be bundled.
I carried her to Alex. Alex and I searched and held her in awe. We gathered our old hopes again, our old dreams of raising a live daughter for this world. Once our focus was on the hopes, the dreams and not on her in our arms; she left us again.
Her body was limp and just a body. Her soul, her spirit had left. As I held her body to my chest, I cried great pain again. But the eyes of Nora were real and intimately knowing. I found comfort in that memory.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)