March 23, 2007: 3 Weeks Since & Living Limbo

Three weeks since she was born, since I released her. The pain pressure this week has been large.  I have cried a lot.  The trauma wounds are deep and I am feeling them all too well.  The weather outside is not helping.  I find that waking up to heavy clouds is simply a reminding reflection of how I feel--lost in this grey abyss.  


I don't want to feel this way.  I want to climb out, yet how do I do that?  


What I am finding is that even though I yearn to move forward and begin planning again, acting "normal" and productive only creates more anxiety than I can handle.  I know my present movements need to be small, delicate and very present based.  


I must be patient with my own process.  I must be accepting of going slow, of living in limbo.  My limbo is this grief work.  I must acknowledge that the only certainties in this uncertain reality are my choices to finding understanding.


I see now that my self care means being patient, accepting, loving and slow.  Finding meditation in the little tasks (sweeping, weeding, writing) is what grounds me to the core of my work; building myself back up.  I am small now but I will grow.  I will be whole again.  The void, the wound will heal and my scar will be my reminder of where I've been and how I've grown.  


Sitting here in Limbo
Waiting for the tide turn.
Yeah, now, sitting here in Limbo,
So many things I've got to learn.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.

Sitting here in Limbo
Waiting for the dice to roll.
Yeah, now, sitting here in Limbo,
Still got some time to search my soul.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.

I don't know where life will take me,
But I know where I have been.
I don't know what life will show me,
But I know what I have seen.
Tried my hand at love and friendship,
That is past and gone.
And now it's time to move along.

Sitting here in Limbo
Like a bird ain't got a song.
Yeah, I'm sitting here in Limbo
And I know it won't be long
'Til I make my getaway, now.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.

I don't know where life will take me,
But I know where I have been.
I don't know what life will show me,
But I know what I have seen.
Tried my hand at love and friendship,
That is past and gone.
And now it's time to move along.

Gonna lead me on now.
Meanwhile, they're putting up resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Sitting in Limbo, Limbo, Limbo.
Meanwhile, they're putting up a resistance,
But I know that my faith will lead me on.


~Jimmy Cliff "Sitting In Limbo"