Dear Family & Friends of the Grieving Parents,
This experience has opened our hearts and understanding even wider but the journey is hard. The upcoming months will be a new form of possible emotional challenge for the grieving parents as the adrenalin passes and life becomes semi-quiet again. This is when (at least from my experience) the gritty work can begin and deep sadness can definitely be a bi-product.
During this time, reaching out with weekly emails and asking to come and visit can be soothing to grieving parents. For me, this was an important step because I was able to share our story and the more I shared the closer and more connected I felt with Nora (being that my fear always was that she was going to be forgotten and during those early months I needed to find ways to stay in touch with her--find a rhythm of parenting a deceased child).
What to say is, "I'm so sorry this is happening to you" and it is totally alright to cry. You feeling the pain allows greater release for the griever. You are offering a gift by feeling. Also remembering why you are there is key: offering a space to listen and in a kind way, absorb some of the pain by simply being compassionately present.
What is very helpful is when loved ones show a willingness to listen, not solve or take the pain away but to just listen and ask "how are you"questions vs. detail filling questions.
When you come and visit with the grieving parents it is fine to say, "When and if you want to share your baby's birth story, I would love listen." As I shared, the next couple months might be hard for the grieving parents and talking about this life changing experience can be very comforting because baby then is alive in their family fabric.
I have suggested that grieving parents think about setting up an altar for their baby. For us, our Nora altar is decorative in the colors we feel her as (reds, oranges, yellows--fire), special pieces of nature (stones or sand from a Pacific City/Vashon/Byron Bay beach) and candles to light the fire to see where we are headed.
When family and friends came to visit they sometimes brought small beauties from nature or a letter to our Nora offering gratitude at the altar.
A respectful question to ask would be, "Do you hold a place in your home that I may offer a loving message to your baby?"
Regarding outside questions from inquisitive community members (and I say from great love but protectiveness in this delicate arena), it is best to say exactly what the grieving parents said as their family story. That is all people need to know. The details of the death do not matter.
The core that should be focused on is that the parent's baby died. If people get demanding about details with you (because they NEVER will with them) then end the conversation, you are the grieving parent's advocate and with that; protection and respect are needed.
Much love,
Emmy
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